I have had an odd few days, a web chat I follow had a lass on who had lost her friend to suicide, most sent comments to help, but it brought up all my own memories of Tracey and how devastated I was when she took her own life. I still miss her every week and still think 'Tracey would laugh at this...' before remembering she has gone. But the chat and comments brought back the raw pain and the sense of confusion, the why, the what if's, the ideas of, was it me? I sent my own note in and she thanked me personally as I hadn't sent 'don't worries' and other nice but unhelpful comments.
Later I heard about a friends who was very ill had passed away, which on top of the first left me a bit like a damp sponge, I woke in the night crying (again) and ran out of tissues in the house. I havent come to any sense of understanding about that yet but I will. Just need shares in paper goods :-).
Final issue of the weekend has been our little cat Smudge, she was sick Friday, and still not good Saturday, She seemed to rally this morning but by afternoon we rang the vets and she went in, and she has gastroenteritis, and needs fluids! so she is at the vets and we shall get her tomorrow, but we thought we would lose her too. She was a very poorly cat and even though she is safe we worry until shes home again. It was something she has eaten, but short of locking them in all day we cant stop them foraging, of course the kittens have been shut in since lunchtime to keep Tom happy! :-D Now hes worrying still but at least at the vets all will be done for her, better than with us and getting worse.
I sound sad in all this but oddly I am not, I knew my friend was just waiting on death, Tracey was such a shock but time passing had helped me as have good friends around me. Smudge is safe even if not home.
Autumn is here, the days are cold and the nights sharp and frozen, the leaves are gone and the garden dormant, I have my Christmas cards and some of my gifts, and plans for more soon... and odd time of year,
No sun - no moon!
No morn - no noon -
No dawn - no dusk - no proper time of day.
No warmth, no cheerfulness, no healthful ease,
No comfortable feel in any member -
No shade, no shine, no butterflies, no bees,
No fruits, no flowers, no leaves, no birds! -
and to quote Coca Cola "The Holidays are coming"